I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
