i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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