come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
