I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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