He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i think my cat just said my name.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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