i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
