Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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