Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
