The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
