I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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