just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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