I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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