Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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