There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
