I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
