I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
