I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
