Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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