Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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