Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
