okay pat passed out under dana's car
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I AM VODKA MAN
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
