Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize