So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
