ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
