Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dignity is for republicans.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
