My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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