Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
