Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My liver just broke up with me...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
