My girlfriend figured out who you are.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
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