my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
