I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
