Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
