I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
