my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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