I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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