You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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