come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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