I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
