Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
