Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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