I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
