I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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