when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
