I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
