I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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