I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
