Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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