i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize