I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
