Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We left an ass print on the piano.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
