I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
