eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
