I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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