I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize