Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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