Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
