I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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