I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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