plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
