I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
