I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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