Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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