Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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